Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Shadowhawk's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, December 13th, 2003
1:40 am	Hard Drive Death Well over the last few weeks I have survived a total insanity. I've enjoye dthe writings of an acient sage and been reflecting upon their wondeorus insight. To think of a toredor and a Malkavian dancing within the evening is a wondeorus little head game that I've found myself innately involved in. I only hope that I can get the information that I've wanted and dneedd from such insightful poise. I lost my link to Alexis' diary and all I was hoping to keep up with things bit by bit.. Though I know I'm idsappointed to have lost that connection. despite the way things ened up. I still did have a hope to keep somewhat close... I have no idea how or why... but that's one fo the estranged things with me.. Once a bond is made, I will go the distance to ensure that it lasts forever in a positive manner upon my own side. Thankfully I have a few things i can lookf orward to. One: I have been able to find more companionship in people I know through calling them up and keeping in contact online. Two; I've been able to figure out waht I enjoy most in life through reading hte seven lwas of spiritual success and found that I hold a lot of them in my own life in the more minute ways. I seek to change this and impliment the seven spiritual laws throughout each aspect of my life. 1. The Law of Pure Potentiality The source of all creation is pure consciousness. . .ourepotentiality seekign expressionf rom the unmanifest to the manifest. And when we realize that our true Self is one of pure potentiality, we align with the power that manifests everything in the universe. 2. The Law of Giving The universe operates trhough dynamic exchange . . . giving and recieving are different aspects of the flow of energy in the universe. And in our willingness to give, that which we seek, we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives. 3. The Law of Cause and Effect Ever action generates a force fo energy that returns to us in like kind. . . What we sow is what we reap. And when we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success. 4. The Law of Least Effort Nature's Intelligence functions with effortless ease. . .with carefreeness, harmony, and love. And when we harness the forces of harmony, joy and love, we create success and good fortune with effortless ease. And add more when coherent enough to type again. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 31st, 2003
7:24 pm	It's been so long Well, over the last few weeks i fianlly got myself together I found all that I need and paid for what i needed for my classes and ahve njoeyd very happy few weeks. The five week class for lab science wasn't the best thing int he world but I worked my ass off for that credit and got it. The same can be said of my blacks in the arts. For now, I cna use that credit towards the birth of beautiful madness and the very end of it all. I jsut wishI had someone to enjoy it with. personally I am reaching that highpoint of wellness again clearing off the rest of the flack and getitng my work done progressively bit by bit I am reconsructing myself and my characters. Life is good. All that's needed now, is a companion. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 9th, 2003
1:26 pm	Job Entry 1 Today I just took a bit of time to get introspective on my understanding of Jobs. There was so much that lay within my mind and heart, little bits of information that I hadn't accessed little pieces of me that I had lost sight of. In a job, in any job that one truly does well, there has to be a personal motivation and goal to complete it. In the time that has passed I lost sight of my goals and ambitions only to be re acclimiated to my own desires with the absence of others and the personal introspective inquiry. It's a question of taking all that you enjoya nd brining it into something you can develop into a job skill. Personally, I love a good story deep and involved taking different aspects fo the human condition and the human psyche and pitting them in various scenarios and situations to build to an eventful climax. I enjoy music as a passion something to feel pour through my bones like the fire of an age bringing back my soul fromt eh harmonies of the dark to resonate in jovial light once again. My natures clash introverted and extroverted rush in swirling rivalry to break into a fall of delight. Yet... how can I take my passions and form them to something I can earn for? Only time will tell. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
3:11 am	New Beginnings As I sit there rereading my memoirs and searching throught eh event sand experiences that summ up what I have been ascertaining I realixe that there habe been many a night up to now that I couldn't even express all thathad occured or all that I felt in words. For the moment I remain that speecheless enigmatic void that so many people find to be the bane of their existance or their salvation from a world of depravity that surrounds them. At this time I feel no more or less than anyone else may feel. While within mylast months at Howard i watched my life and self dwindle intoa heap of indescriminate clashes and conflict with an incessant battle of mind and will vs the world. Yet in the end body overtook that struggle and has put me where I am now, right back home. So, for now I work to find the friends I hav elost pray for the love that I still hold in my heart to live on and not be forgotten and finally wish for one thing, one peace, one hope, one mind one heart, to remain as my salvation. I have missed my guardian angel. I've fallen in her loss. I have been foolish in letting that bond slip and leaving my hope and restoration in another. I know now not to let my angels depart from me... Never to let those who uplift my life and infuse me with life ever part from my path and soul again as long as they wish. I miss the joy that I felt the radiance that flowed from me. Now in that death I shall find my life. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
7:00 pm	The Four Page Letter - Thank You Aaliyah Yes, it has been another one of those long days. A day of full thought provocation stuck within the chords of my soul. Ever have a day where you feel at ease. I've had a sever snap in my mentality thanks to a chord struck by a friend. For within hurting and feeling a building schism between one of the few people I had believed closest to my heart, I have learned what it is to feel true pain. Life is life, characters are characters. There lays the question that has plagued my own mind though. Are we all here to fill a role, make yourselves a personable character to inteact with others and just be... a part of anothers life? Are we all just a existant book? A dream, a little piece of somethign so much greater that we are nothing or the center of it all? jsut ltitle streams and questions in the stream of consciousness that ahs overrun my mind at the moment. It's rather.. borad I know, but its my sensation at the moment. I only write when I feel something sharply or strongly. As it has normally been of me, I try to speak only when there is meaning or when there is somethign that has been deeply convicting. I guess that's one of my main flaws. I rarely joke around or let go... Sarchasm has been one of the most witty vices and splicing dives against me. It hurts me to think of that right now. Yet I've learned that the most harming words come from those that are closest to you. When you overcome that kind of pain.. when you have a wall even in your inner most sanctum that gives you that protection to cut agaisnt someone with barbs of their own personality flaws and their own distinctively negative traits, to rehash things that had been forgiven and cut with things that were "Forgiven and not forgotten". I exist there in silence. I don't kwno what to say or do when that comes up. I hate things like that. I have had my friend Holly hurt by me in a way that I hadn't thought I would create. Though part of me understands a lot of what she is going through There is a schism bigger tahn me that's taking place that she needs and I want to be a part fo ehr healing process. I want to be that kind man witht eh caring heart that I have always been. yet I also know I am the possesive and protective man that so many people proclaim to hold witht he lion's mane. Yet I guess that's what may be my greatest strenght and most tragic flaw. I live within a land that my heart keeps and understands, I act on my heart and not always my mind. If I feel comfortable enough I can unleash myself to the most intricate and unconventional acts but there has to be a trust and comfort established with all involved. Yet what builds this monumental edifce between people? Most of the time I have found it to be a shared trial. For one canf ind a kindred spirit in life and limb in pleasure and in pain, they will be able to let go and enjoy their lives. When they find another who believes in what they can do, when they feel that bond of overcoming something I a victory with a smile ont heir face and a flush of power within their core, that can create the bonds that last a lifetime. Some hold them a ssomething to discard and blessigns of the moment, others canf ind a convicting and constatn blessing within them. As for me, I have no clue of which this is for now. Yet, I fear that I lose the joy that I had.... Yet this may just be my wake up call to return to the well-rounded person that I once was. I guess, today was the first day after a full snapping wake up call for me. I hope, that in this time I will develop what I need once again. find what I miss and make a list of it. heh, Actually? Why wait. Right here and now I'll do just that. What do I want: I want a steady girlfriend, someone I can hold, comfort love, desire and release all those torrid little fantisies that lay within my heart with.. Someone who I can build into that state of comfort with. I want to be able to build myself into a respecatable man, personable and kind recognized in good nature in word, deed, and intent. The best assumed of me more so than the worst. I want to build to a state fo comfort with my major and my work. To ahve a passion for what I do and the sense of completion in my own heart to get it accomplished no matter what it may be, Online offline, in character, out of character I want to rebuild things in that confidfidance that it can and will be mine if I work hard enough for it and if i show and act on my heated interest and passionate desire. If I dedicate mind and body to it I wish to accomplish it. I have to develop a sense of what is my own attractive state, what draws or could draw people to me, what is saught out in a good man. I hear so much about how ladies look for a good man yet they wish the chase as well I have learned a little int hat area but I'm nto getting deep there.. half of me could care less aobut ladies right now. I truly wish a companion though... I don't know if I'm there or not I lay in a state of confusion on that whole relationship issue due to the turn of events in my last. I jsut feel more like the song "U Don't Know Me by Brandy Featuring Shaunta and Da Brat" Right now on that whole issue. Though, I know that's a fleeting sensation. Yet, In time I'll build. I just... need to heal my soul. Tonight.. I feel much closer to that. Yet can the world hope for me? Will I be that approachable young man, kind heart to be shown and realized? What can I do? I'll jsut get out and find out go to events and make a prayer, listen and key myself for tha tnow. I also want to build my grades well.. good grades, good developed characters. That works for me. What i don't want: I have to get rid of stress work on relaxing in various ways outside of this computer.. I gotta get up and get out find stuff that I can physically do that will keep me fun-loving, happy and on tracka side from the club and such i gotta have fun with friends and build I don't want to be alone. There will always be times where I will cloister myself up which will save me from the pains of flares of anger that still pulse within my anger that still pulse within my body. I have to make sense of what I feel and just break it down properly.. Psychologically. Yet ah well once again I'm clearin my head. I'lljsut let go and simmer down through some music tonight. I may write a poem or two. My body and mind ar in a mood at which my creativity is spiked and I can.. All I need now is vocabulary. May the lord bless me and all those in contact with me. May I be a blessing to others and help me be the same to others. G (Comment on this)
Friday, January 31st, 2003
6:41 am	It's So hard. You know. It's been interesting. I talked things out with my girlfriend. First, she's disproven that there were bad things said about me... her friends were the ones giving me the venefit of the doubt and alleviating her thoughts that I didn't care. Which made me feel like an ass and left me with my foot in my mouth. Secondly, We talked over the history of our relationship and found that we each were putting a lot of effort into it and it seemed things were clashing too much to often. I also learned that I didn't do the little things enough to leave the Big things with meaning. Which makes the difference because it sustains the body of those big things.. those things that matter. For it takes the little things to give the big things their full summation of meaning, no matter how much you do or care, it takes little things to really fill it or show it. Yet Now I've learned that, and I have learned that I need to do little things. Right now I'm more of in a process of learning what those are. Calling, kissing, holding hands, dancing together, embracign each other, kindness.. forgiveness no matter what despite pride... but not compromising yourself and if so... state it for when you do it. Keep a record of your good acts for you may be held accountable. Though I guess what truly hurt me was it was found that she had absolutely no hope in me reparing our relationship. When there is no hope, there cannot be any love and that shattered me. Yes, I'll admit that I cried... I felt the pain deep wtihin the bowls of my soul. Though I have talked thing sout. Spent a great deal of time alone and slowly healed in understanding my friends and understanding my emotions a bit more. It's taken a lot for me to be able to do this It's taken a lot for me to be able to build myself back again. Though last night I went out with afriend for the first time and I now understand what Alexis seemed to want and need and why she is always out with a good group of people. I felt the life that can be so invigorating when you have a good circle of friends. Now, I understand why She is usually so happy despite what she's worked through when she goes out. I need to build more of a core group like that. I look forward to trying, though I myself need to become more personable. Don't ask me how I just know I do. I look forward to getting it all done but I just need to prioritze now and work my plan I am doing it slowly but surely but it's time to get in gear and get with it. Though I have to admit that last night I had one of the best nights I've had in a while. I love friends I love family more and I had all in one last night. I was able to go out with my friend Catherine and we were able to dance a bit I didn't get up much myself.. It's ironic, I was less of a dancer than Alexis would have been that night. though I know also that after I got up and had a good group take me to a grind.. I got out and was able to have fun. Like I always say... "I gotta relax and warm up, but after that, I can dance my ass off." Though I know now also that i have to go back to dancing classes, They were a source of my joy, a highlyg of my week and a restorative point for my soul. I know that this is the second time I've said that.. though now I have a conviction, a dedication and a good group to work with. For that, I am proud and happy to have people that would think and care enough to take me out, go out with me and that kind of thing. I needed that last night. Though the thing that really convicted my good mood was that I came back home I saught out a bit of fun and I played online but when I went to sleep I had a deep involved dream of togetherness.. my favorite scene.. a group family gathering at my Aunt's house. For she has this big house swear it's a mansion and worht a million dollars in and of itself.. Real estate. Though in working my way back she challenged me though talking some mess like usualy to my aunts.. truth and meant to correct but then i proved her wrong clearly point by point like a decisive and understanding debater to leave her corrected and hushed.. proud even that I had done a lto to change and that was when I eased into the waking world again. I hope things are going that direction in my life. it's a time for change... but it's so hard. G (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
4:00 pm	Heh, so this is how it is huh? Well, I have now been bashed. Clear and painful, pure and simple. I know better. My side had unclear expectations and there is a lot that has been said about me. First, I have issues to break down. fun little things that have been defined and set said aobut me and cast upon my heart and soul. I know better. I'm learning but I gotta admit that I'm hurt. Not even gonna lie about that one. TLC's girl talk is so true. Though no one put it better than my girl Val. She heard the song 'gril talk" by TLC and I thought about it and passed it to her. She said: "Mhmm... girls do talk.. but it takes a woman to make a man happy.. and just to let you know.. Girls do talk.. but women.. they dont. they take control of things and makes their man understand.. they work things out. " I just listned to that song and I knew that there was a real difference there... She made that clear for me and I thank her for that. I've noted that alexis has asked for things and that her friend tried to makeit cleare for me, yet the attempts I've made have also been cut down in some way each time I've made them. The bell was nice though I should do things like that more often. My requency was low there needs tobe more. Yet when I'm told things liek that It only makes me feel liek what I've doen hasn't been appreciated? Why would you put yourself up to the chopping blocka nd lay your head down when you know tha tyou ahve a good chance of getting axed instead of lifted up into freedom? The thought when thinking about gifts and such and hearing that whole situation there is a lot done and a lot to be said for it. Again one of the best phrases have come from the voice of understanding family and people of wisdom. Not my words... but something I'm interpreting, learning and understanding. "A woman isnt a woman for what she received.. That is a girl.. A woman is a woman for what she gives.. and that is understanding and honesty. " there's so much that can be said to that and from that. So many different ways of taking it. though right now I understand it a bit more. I've heard it in passing a great deal of times ont he definitions of a woman and a man. There is a lot to be said in my department. I'm not the strongest, I'm not the most intelligent and I'm not the sexiest. I'm not evne gonna try and say that. I'm nto even gonan attempt to say I'm the msot attentive but I do what I can and I give from my heart which is the best atha any man can do. Act on their convicitons and give sincerely. Yet the most ironic thing is that I come to her post for the new year and guess what I find? Take a look at how I'm broken down moment after moment. I got something to say to each one of these points if you looked at my last posts. I told her the days that I was gone that i was compeltey wrapped and drawn int he preparatiosn of the house for the Gift exchange which took all day on christmas, and the very night of the gift exchange my parents usurped the phone until 2 in the morning to work towards the family reunion. i had NO time to talk unitl I was atulally within the family reunion itself. It's not that she didn't matter its' that I didn't even have access to something in which I could even talk to her UNTIL the 27th.. and I evne told her that I was completely wrapped up in family reunion stuff to that day! My coputer was used to get the programs and appintements run off,t he family geenology information meetings, minutes,s all of that. the reason I didn't post until the thirith. (See my previous post.) But okay I'm still the bad guy. Yet I have to admit taht what I got form her post truly hurt. the one thing that cut deep and meant something to me. Even after all this which i already claimed and set clear. I got this said directly about me. "Someone please explain to a princess exactly how and why her boyfriend should not calle her on Christmass when he promised to even if he had called at 11:59 christmass day and left a message he wouold have been in the clear. I didn thear from him till 2 days after christmass on the 27...even my other friends from school calle dme on christmass except for will who calle dme on the 26 to wish me a happy kwanzaa on his daytime min. That says alot. I dont see anyreason why somone wouldnt call. Either he forgot or he was to busy ...he was to busy to call his girlfriend or i was not important enough to him for him to call me. IM guessing he doesnt want me to be his girlfriend anymore. Christmass is a very impornat holidy if you both celebrate it or even if one of you celebrates is. I called him christmass eve because eventhough he was going to call me that day * supposedly i was to sleepy so i calle dhim to let him know that i was tired i couldnt wait up for his phonecall...we talked for a little bit theonlything we could talk about was the rules of a pillow fight. we ended teh call and he promised to call me the next day...and i got no phone call for 2 days..one call on the 17 I didn't speak to him till the 29th. Then again on new years day I called him at 1:26 in the morning because i knew if i left it up to him he wouldn't call. " All I have to say to that is look at the thirith. The truth is there. new years... I stated that night that I didn't call because I didn't want to disrupt the new year's eve party which i kenw she was hosting and was going to be in charge of. She had put out the invitations a whle ago and left them upon a e-mailing list with a slew of people. I know it was a good party and something that she enjoyed and I was far from cutting in when hosting because I knew how hard it was for me and my mom to host just fifty people, And yet still, I'm the bad guy. know that she has not been happy for the past few weeks and said that she didn not fele that I treated her "Special". During thsi time, I have felt unwatned, unimportant and unappreciated. Yet when you call over the holiday and feel that you leave with a negative connotation from your mate each time.. Tlel me do you call mroe frequently or less? Do you atempt to figure what yu can say or do to make it better befor eyou start again, coming tot he plate with an idea? or do you go cold turkey when you can get burned? That, I'd like to know. because that may be the difference between me and other people. It's difficult to keep giving pieces of yourself if the person who recieves them only expresses a wish for more. I simply can't write love poems if I don't feel loved. I've given monthly gifts. Some small adn some large in additiosn to dates at least twice a month to make sure that I've kept the flame burning in our relationship. (Roses in august to welcome her to camus, a spa gift card in september for her birthday, a three month celebration the azteca bar in october, the Improve evenign to see Kim Fields, A trip with her family to Disney World in november, A Christmas bell and a gift in december and several other movies dinners all at my initative. ) In the long run, I have given our relationship a chance... I have tried and that's what I'll regret most if this relationship comes to an end. I don't want that. I want to build when we can see each other, meet each other. Though all I can do now is pray, watch, wait and see what her actions are. Sincerely, The Romantic G (Comment on this)
3:36 pm	Dream, Premoniton, or Fear? For the past few days thigns have been called into play on my relationship with my girlfriend, Alexis. Even this passed Saturday night I had a dream where I came to ehr rooma fter my trip and continued in my best adn most earnest hopes of reformation in our relationshi. Yet, our last conversation left me feeling uneanted, unimportant and unappreciated. When you sit on the other end of a hone and hear how a panel of 'friends" judge or deem your relationship 90% of the time unless it's extraordinary they lead yout oe beign single. Personally, if i had listened to my friends, there area good ten times athat i would've broken up and not even tried to hear alexis out or wouldve been steered to go elsewhere. Yet, unliek them I had hope t workthings out. I still have that hope, though now I act in courage and not in hope alone. I've pulled back fromealexis this past week because she's hurt me and I've hurt her. There have been poitns made. Some points I've gotten, Her Independence, her social life, how insults from lvoed ones affect her, a fewr of displeasing me. Though now I doubt that matters I've doubted that for soem time. There have been little thinhs that tipped me off to that, commentary stated passively but cutting deeply into my heart. Little points where she cuts me down to a child for my lack of complete and full development in all that I inquire about or try to do. Thought her lies one point. If I knew it all why would I have to ask? She moves on me to assume things and I dont' want to act in assumption I want to act in knowledge which is what I try to do. I can't read minds so I don't know what she expects of me all the time. though ti doesnt's eem that this is going to get any better, it's only going to get worse. G. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 30th, 2002
6:05 am	Just another manic Monday Well, needless to say it's been another crazy week for me in my life. I've had a lot go through my mind that's been driving me up the wall. I don't know. Things have been storming through my brain from day one. I guess the best place to start is when I got through all my exam mess. Friday, I spent all day trying to develop my exam information getting all of it straight only to find out that the teacher told me Friday thought he exam was on Thursday Then on top of that, the labs that I had turned in through e-mail hadn't gotten there so I was short two labs on my final grade which dropped me down even more. Thanks to that I didn't get what I needed to pass the course. So, since there was nothing I could do about that despite all intervention, I went on with my day and prepared for Saturday. Saturday, I received a few things on-line and worked out all that I needed to let people know I was going to be gone for the night and got my stuff sorted to be back home and when I got straight my mom made her way to D.C. and we made our way out that evening. Upon the drive home I got the full interrogative report from my parents on my performance and the thoughts of what I could do to improve and what not. It took me a good while to break from what happened here and get the focus upon how we could improve the future, but once that mindset was on track things went smoothly. After we made it back to Richmond I had to change into a full suit because my Cousin Kimberly McCall's Debutante was that evening at 8:30. The debutante was beautiful and it was something that I was completely comfortable with, I enjoyed it I was able to relax and just breathe. I didn't have to worry about the stresses of school. I didn't think about my situation with Alexis. I just breathed and let go, and had fun with the people that had known me since middle school. It was a night to fellowship with family: Church family, school family. The friends you made that were like brothers to you, the cousins and aunts and all the church members that took care of you and were out to celebrate the event. It was that kind of a night for me and I paid all homage to the wondrous hostesses the A.K.A.'s and the group of ladies in general. Sunday was much akin to Saturday. The festivities continued and we also had our own annual church service. The wonderful thing was the Kirk A. Cook memorial Choir sang Christmas carols throughout the evening in a special service at five 'o clock. It was there that I truly began to feel like I was back at home. Have you ever come to a point where you can relax and enjoy the company of many other people? Just people you can relax with and you are at ease in a place because... You know you're around people that care about you, people that you care about, that were raised with the same morals and standards as you or somewhat akin to you, a level understanding...This is what I love about home. There is so much even here to learn about ones self. I always get that sense of renewal with going home. So I plan on making it something I do more often. Though all this time, I've been thinking about Alexis in the back of my mind, a lot. Though within the last few conversations I had with her I had only been getting negative feedback, it's as if I don’t' do everything so I don't do enough. There again it may have also been partially due to the effects of ADD on me. This I felt inconstantly but I had never been able to fully prove until last week. Though I also acknowledge the fact that is only part of it. Though I have to admit, when you come through a period of being cut down and pushed back. When your interjections are seemingly as childish stupid or idiotic and you get cut a few times from the little things that bring you small moments of joy in the presence of a person that's supposed to be your support, It's kind of hard to give back that loving nurturing spirit that is the heart of what you want to give in a relationship. I have so many things in my room, cards of dedication, I have no poems yet, and I have written what I need to write. Its' time for me to fight the good fight and get some more work done. I build those directly from the peak of an emotion a peak of my heart for it is a piece of me to give a poem and I want to make sure that it lives up to my standards before I give it. It will be meaningful, it will be clear, it will guide the reader, and it will be something deeply influential or just a clear expression of my emotion. There's the bottom line for my acts and me. If you truly make me feel good, I will do what I can to do the same every moment I can find something I'd think you like, if it's something simple. If it were something wondrous, I would do it if I could. Yet, I haven't been able to do that with Alexis for the past month. I've wanted to, but I also feel "pressure cooked" to do it. Just like, most people that write books overnight or in a rush get hardly anything of quality there were few things I could find that I believe would truly express what I felt at that moment. It left me in a state of conditional love. That, I believe is what made me draw back even more. Though discussion helped me out a bit more to understand things, to relax, to just. Let go. Yet when later on I found out that she had a whole discussion about miss and relationships with her friends, at the end of that conversation it felt like I came off as the bad guy. For me, it's going to be a horrible disadvantage that I don't remember everything format hat conversation and the key points due to the things that were out to distract me at the time, though I also know the connotation that it left with me and I felt that all throughout my next few days. After that I couldn't get on the computer anyway, I couldn’t' get to the phone to talk to people since that was getting used up. My cell was being used to call family in the family reunion and finalize all things after Christmas. There is a lot more to yesterday though... . I could talk on the family reunion but in looking over things with Alexis I feel a bit grim. My family asked about her and what she was like and how I felt about her. I couldn't even say too much due to the feedback that stuck within my mind. I let them know that I care about her; she's a musical theater major, she's a freshman at Howard, and she’s a wonderful dancer, fun-loving person from Amherst, New York. Personality and all what she had done and also what I had been going through lately only with a few of my closer cousins, I just let them know the gist of it not deep involved dedicated discussion on the points and issues. I want things to be better between us and I'm out to make them better. I just want to ensure that I do that more in person because that is when I believe it truly will count. I don't want to just give calls or cards without being there to ensure that my meaning and my point is clear in giving them, unless they truly speak the message all themselves. She wants more. Though I wonder if I can give that to her. I would write sonnets to her beauty if I were secure in what she feels and what I feel. So as I stand on gravely sand, I search relatively blindly in the desert, searching for that oasis of hope, a beacon of joy, and a heart of reconciliation, mutual commitment and action, and peace. More to come on what I felt on my dream... dreams...are powerful. G (Comment on this)
Monday, December 9th, 2002
4:57 pm	There’s nothing I can say I was there from nine to 12 in Alexis room and I got to sit there and chat online. I was in a rather unimaginative mood because I was mroe focused upon what I wished to do with her that night, what I could do where I could touch what would bring her closer so that we each could just be comfortable. From what she told me she wanted to do and give me, I was doing all that I could to make I myself accessable. I ensured that she got my gift and knew what it was, why I got it and what it meant. It was from my heart... One of the deeper parts. And its' nto something I separate from easy. It wasn't all that expensive but my emotions are not by far anything meager or mild. I just... I don't know. I want to be with her... I want to hold her and I want to embrace her... Bu tI dont'w atn to make her feel uncomfortable. That's why I'm more reserved. Though i'm moments from just comign to her lookign to sharon and Amadae if they're there and ask for tiem alone.. period. Personally. Thought there is no time now. So it seems.... But if I can, I'll make time. G (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 8th, 2002
2:51 pm	Well alone...or i was. Last night I went out for dinner at the diner, I talked with catherine and Shari sinc ei had seen tehm at the azteca bar and we agreed to meet up and go out into the club on saturday. I look forward to seeign them again and I'm stuck between two things.. Having the moeny for them and to go out, or to take my time and do what I want to do today aside from food. Food would be necessicary for physical exhursion which I'm about to bring about... with a vengance. Though anywho. I went on with the night to try and make soemthing of it, Alexis was out buying gifts with friends and working through the christmas list. I made my night and went to the diner alone.. i ate, and I came back to my room. On my way backI nearly got mugged, had to fight off two men and knocked one int he temple who had a switchblade and anothe rwho had attempted to help him with a crusht o his toe, and a elbow to the gut, finishing it with a fist to the face. After the follow through.. I just booked to meridian... One got my lip good,but it healed well. It's just been crazy but we talked over a good conversation all on percpetion with charels how he and william were in a power game in how things were percieved an how things were being used and viewed from the way thigns were handled and stated. How focusing on william instead of focusing on the issue and not mentioning him.. was giving the impression ofhim consuiming his thoughts. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 7th, 2002
7:29 am	Okay. Last night I crashed completely at about ten ten thirty because I had been up sincea bout four. I had probably owrried Holly completely sick because seh cares about me and wants to make sure that I'm okay.. Though in just crashing on my bed which is pracitacally half my body length away I was done. Nonetheless I still have to appologize since I rp'd then tried to do something about my head... She wanted to Rp with me... though I didn't respopnd and that took the whole cold shoulder route. because I am highly interactive I was angry and in pain before i did and she supported me and tried to help and yeah.. So right now I feel like grade A prime SHit. But anywho, I'm just goign to work.. as I always need to do and pray that today or some other day within the next... ohh.. week, goes better. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 6th, 2002
6:43 pm	Well, Iw as suppsoed to go with Alexis and RFrenchie to IDnner tonight at seven. Though now I'm stuck and unable to find either because of my lack of my cell phone.. She hasn't called my room number for me to be able to tell her how it's broken and I haven't been able to get it to cut on for a while. I had to send it in at 5 today.. its' getting fixed so I'll be out of it for the weekend but it should be straight by monday and all the numbers and information will be preserved. They ahve a download that can work. Thankfully. Though hopefully she'll read this before she goes or I'll meet her at the fine arts building. Though I also thought this was a good link.. In reading it I felt it embodies what I need to be what I want to be though.. I hope its' true for all people. We'll see. http://members.tripod.com/~Poetspotlight/CAM2.html (Comment on this)
7:30 am	The National Christmas Tree Lighting 2002 (202)607-6688 This passed night I got to enjoy the national christmas tree lighting.. It was an interesting ceremony. Though the trip was more intersting than anything else. Yes, I've found Im still a greenhorn within the understandings of D.C. but I'm going to get better with each trip I take.. The more you get out, the more your mind can call on to remember. It was fun to just go out and talk with people do something and just be. Alexis enjoyed the trip and was able to joke around with Charles and Shawn, Sharon and Amadae. It was a good night all in all. Though i gotta admit that I'm mad that I lost my keys and found myself locked in diappointment against the whole thing. Though that wasn't as bad as getting my left foot soaked through and through from stepping into a puddle. Nonetheless I moved on. Though, there again i found myself with little to talk about most of the night.. I guess some of my apprehension is still wearing on me. Though I still feel like Alexis cares and I know it in my heart. I still have come to miss the little things though. Holding her hand, kissing her cheek.. that kinda thing. I realized I gotta break out of my alanlytical mindset and just do things...Though Each time I have in the past I've always been deemed a child. In that aspect I am because it's just starting for me while I'm sitting there with seasoned veterans of it working it into the adult world. In part I still have yet to find that full deviation and why one is looke don in distain and the other is looke don in such high praise. I've always live din a place where each quality was cherished One as holding onto yoru youth inspite of it all the other learning to mature and cultivate into civilized life. Yet now I find one in distain the other in praise. It's a change. Shawn I believed changed most of her night. I did notice how she searched for him and she enjoyed his company all evening. She kept up most of the time and was sincerely vested in being around him. He's a good guy. He made her smile and found a way to just keep going throughout the night.. We sung all over D.C. He danced, he was just being a nut.. Though.. As I have heard and learned.. That is Shawn... Out to be out there at all times and recognized. Scorpio...While I remain a Leo. Just being in the midst of them all I noticed something. They always had something on their minds to talk about.. I could be idle and I saw how alexis could say I was just "There" while she has people that are this conversational around as her friends I probably seem like nothing much unless I get into my emotions. I haven't done as much as most people and what I have done. It's not a perfectly extensive memory without recall. I have to admit that i like charels more.. I can always play off of hsi conversations and questions mor ehtan anyone else.. That relaxes me within the group. I know something though.. Alexis truly feels apart. I didn't feel that warmth from her I'm used to. Though it was also a dual sensation to hear Sharon broke up with Chris... It was a point and a time that was needed to move on. She wasn't happy and he wasn't happy and now she's able to be happy and build something else. Part of me is blinking at it like a warning, part of me is separated from it and just looking things through hearing it out and understanding that he wasn't there for her. (Most things are left in fact and not perception. Fact, deduction from that and then action.) Part of me internalized it. I lsitened though par to fme reflected and felt it, leading me down a road of thinking "Well, she has told me I have everythign to make her happy to make her laugh and smile and relax.. She likes to be with me.. I miss her laugh.. waht did I do to spark it before? I knew when I was that happy that jouyous with her, able to relax and converse so freely.. What changed about me or what changed about her/ I've been focusing on negativity a lot since I'e only seen problems and not solutions... There lies the difference in anengineer and a normal person.. "You see problems... I see solutions" Well, I see problems and am searchign for solutions. I want to be better and more personable, I have to find ways of making people smile that work for me.. Little philosophies, and not kiddy stuff.. something adult but not sexual.. just.. intelligent. Yet here I go into my analytical mindset again. I see that Alexis wants something sweet something that relates to something that is exclusively ours.. To make her feel special.. TO have somethignt hat we can communicate that will express ourselves and hwo we feel aobut each other no matter what kind of crowd is around.. only we would know.. It might be non verbal. Just a little thing of connectivty.. Something to touch. Though I'll write more later. G (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 3rd, 2002
2:51 am	One final thing Mainly Alexis, this is for you. It's what I wrote in the airport. Lost in Illusion, confusion and pain. This is what I had been writing at the airport that day... Brown eyes, deep flowing like a sea. A beauty, driven, inspiration to be, Lucious lips, pink with a tinge of brown Influence , living muse, tainted with a distainful sound. Good intentiosn rise, with teh harderst of cuts, Either you have a wall or an emotional rut. Push harder, be stronger, don't break your stride. Drive on, Rise up , press your mind. There is an ened to the step by step your path is unknown, but you're notn inepts Take the gemstone road. Each pearl of inofrmation will release the blinds and create the crystal lattice that will let you fly. To fly like an eagle, willyou soar? or will things crash leavign you wishing for more. You look up with hope and it abounds, though you have to keep working to stay off the ground. Fluttering heart, sealed, set in a world view. Adapting ot a mindset, different but true. A clash in mentality symetrical reality Dividing duality which leaves me partially slain. Unbidden indecision, confirmation with cause I am exampiend for all of my flaws. Loved and cherished, but interchangable as a hat It's a policy I've heard but unable to enact. This is a fact, People do come and go but it takes a lot to let your heart go. I feel I'm losing it... I can't let it die. I must try. By Gregory Gwaltney (2 Comments |Comment on this)
2:41 am	One final thing Mainly Alexis, this is for you. Lost in Illusion, confusion and pain. This is what I had been writing at the airport that day... Borwn eyes, deep flowing like a sea. A beauty, driven, inspiration to be, Lucious lips, pink with a tinge of brown Influence , living muse, tainted with a distainful sound. Good intentiosn rise, with teh harderst of cuts, Either you have a wall or an emotional rut. Push harder, be stronger, don't break your stride. Drive on, Rise up , press your mind. There is an ened to the step by step your path is unknown, but you're notn inepts Take the gemstone road. Each pearl of inofrmation will release the blinds and create the crystal lattice that will let you fly. To fly like an eagle, willyou soar? or will things crash leavign you wishing for more. You look up with hope and it abounds, though you have to keep working to stay off the ground. Fluttering heart, sealed, set in a world view. Adapting ot a mindset, different but true. A clash in mentality symetrical reality Dividing duality which leaves me partially slain. Unbidden indecision, confirmation with cause I am exampiend for all of my flaws. Loved and cherished, but interchangable as a hat It's a policy I've heard but unable to enact. This is a fact, People do come and go but it takes a lot to let your heart go. I feel I'm losing it... I can't let it die. I must try. By Gregory Gwaltney (Comment on this)
2:12 am	Just a note It's funny to look at this in comparison to the commentary I made on the ninth of november... Funny how a month can change things.. there I thought myself doing well Now I'm shot back and away like i've Intentionally been malicious I'm branded and kicked out. that's the way I feel She's dismissed me it feels. I dont' knwo what to say or do or why. Though It's time. She's probably wanted to.. at least that's what's preying on my mind now. (Comment on this)
12:14 am	A day of parts... Part of me feels like I was three feet high, down, dejected and depressed just wishin to die... Part of me was in pain , part of me soared high, a moment in time left me feeling like I could fly... A part of me was downtrodden, rejected and hurt... unable to pull my face out of the dirt. Part of me was in pain and died here alone while a nother part of me wanted to make it trhought eh zone. Part of me was lost and still lay within pain. I can do nothing to be better. Part of me wanted more unable to speak,disappointed and depressed to the point of a leech, dissected in mentality pained in reality and driven through the heart like a vampire's stake. Yeah... My day was sweet. Though when I found a hope for escape darkness consumed me and sealed my fate. not the spiritual and emotional kind of my own but the physical. LIteral darkness pulled me away into sleep despite my own heart's will to enjoy the company of my girlfriend, I only found myself pulled away into drewamland when surrounded in darkness and a movie which made me feel like I had commited an augregious error. I was tired... though I also Just wanted her within my arms. Though when I got her hand pulled back from me with three passes, when I got my hand taken to a point... I felt lost. Just like, I didn't know if I was to go on or to stop. I was receptive to her.. something tol dme she wante dnothign phyysical though that's always been my gateway to comfort to speak. Kinda like the blanket that comforts you in the night and sweeps you in warmth bringing you that comfort else that no one and nothing else in this world can describe. Though I sit here feelign Like I've done my girlfriend augregiously wrong in sleeping in her room. I was tired but I couldn't help sleep it overcame me I wanted more with her.. Yet I didn't want her angry.. I didn't want it to feel forced I didn't want confrontation I wanted both fo us happy...It felt as though my touch would bring only retraction and not attraction and now I just don't knwo what to do to bring that back within her heart. It scares me and it hurts. I sit here and look at this screen through tear stained eyes and fight it. I know my heart is filled with good intentions. I think she knows that too. I was deemed inconsiderate since I didn't take time to walk talk and listen at Disneyland. Now I've found myself crusified and locked in an apathetic light due to my lack of attentiveness to her apperance, my lack of persuit which iw as hindered by with commentary that made her short with me... with disappointment in my demeanor.. Nto recognizing her changes her doing ehr hair, her blush and all Not tnoticing the sublt ethings she does to be beuatiful and leaving her feeling far form special was what has her in an apathetic mood. She's workign in a zone of Non-cmofort now which is my pain.. she was intent upon hurting me because in her mind I've hurt her and my lively attitude at disneyland left ehr feleign like she was dating a five year old due to my joyous attitude giggly bubbly and lively was defined as NEGATIVE traits so yeah... you AREN'T supposed to be happy at disneyland, That was nice to find out. Though even after that I foulnd that I didn't ask her specifically instead of a "we" which she has specifically stated she didn't want and now that association and my lack of attentivness to her beauty has left me in the doghouse. SOmeone whom I have cared about who I have poured my heart to, whose beauty I've extoled has come back to a point where she believed it o be lust, cut me down to a five year old and is apathetically inclined against me. She doesn't want to talk to me doesnt'f eel emotion towards or against me. She is a devoid hole to me.. Touch is nothing it's not true nor worth it it's devoid of all feeling She's learned to work in non comfort while I lay in pain from it She has retracted.. which I haven't been able to do and rest in pain.. Though i guess int he end that was the intent.. My pain for her pain... And I see that clearly now. She is intent to hurt me because without knowing it or being aware of it I hurt her. IN all my best efforts to give ehr the space to be with her family I ended up beign the bad guy and when we returned when she had made herself beauteous for me, I was negigent of noticing it and taking it in. She no longer feels special and in actuality I hadn't felt special for a while... She cut taht feeling back from dancing. Though event here I tried to build something from that would solidify things. Now, I wonder who she feels aobut her place.. Though no.. i can't say that. I've been told. " there once was a guy who sounded perfect smar funny interesting a poet into computers an alot of fun a guy who i would call longdistance to talk with on the phone a guy who really started to like. a guy who liked me a guy who told me he liked me a guy who constantly reminded me of what a beautiful wonderful person i am a guy who blanketed me with compliments and flowery words a guy who became like all guys" Though fromt here.. the conversation took this breakdown: lady: comfortable and seeking the fimilar approaching me like a step ladder trying to go through a similar pattern each tim eto have a certain result lady: that guy dint dead but he doent belong to me he belongs to everyone but me because he is not the boyfriend lady: and im learning to function in a new zone of noncomfort Greg: Alexis... Greg: ::Witht aht final thought he jsut closed his eyes and sighed thinking that through in and of itself to look back up into her eyes;: Yeah... your right. Greg: I pulled back. Greg: I see how you see that now. lady: :: she nodded and hoppe dinto her bed trying to get comfortable:: Greg: I didn't. I saw myself growing to a point of just noting and takign you as you and losing my oen compliments. I have seen you as beautiful in every light. I stopped saying it. lady: everywoman needs to hear it Greg: I stopped talking about the light of your smile.. how you made me feel jsut with your touch.. how I missed it and desired it.. How it felt to enjoy your smile. lady: but dont just say it becausewere talking about it now it will sound forced Greg: Though I brought it out less... Greg: And brought out more of the darker emotions and got caught up in making up rather than enjoying what I had before me since I was mainly getting caught in catch up.l lady: i am no different rom everywoman who complains of losing love in the beginning lady: of every unhappy married woman just existing but not existing in love just being there Greg: Alexis.. lady: when they stop saying it you stop feeling it when you stop feeling it its 3 times as hard to get it back Greg: Yeah... I know... lady: there is never a point where you can just look and know cause after awhile looks and touches become more lustful than love full Greg: One because when its' first said it's always taken as conscious reminder, secondly because it's hard to gain that emotion of truth in it back, and third because of underlying suspicion. lady: then you dont feel special..or atleast i dont Greg: I didnt' know you felt a lost to lust... Greg: and not love. lady: i dont feel anything i feel apathatic Greg: I've felt that since last thrusday. lady: welcome to my world Greg: I had been trying to define it since then.. it's not that I've felt apathetic towards you i've felt you growing into it. Greg: I felt it when you grew shorter with me.. lady: well i felt like i was dating a 5 yearold lady: selfish self centered Greg: How was I selfish? lady: giggely bubbly lively lady: when were you giving? Greg: I was doing all I could to keep from interfering with family plans and trying to keep myself ready for whatever was wished. lady: when did you offer Greg: I knew you werent' mine durign that tirp you were family's. lady: when did you ask em what i wanted lady: *me Greg: So i didn't try to do anythign to impede against that. Greg: That's why i didn't ask, i watied to see what was planned and worked from there. Greg: You were always asked what we wanted then you shifted it to me. lady: when we got in the parks did you ever ask me what i wanted to ride lady: wher ei wanted to go Greg: Everytime it came to that you would also tell me what you wanted that day. lady: what i wanted to eat..of couse Greg: I did. Greg: I did ask you what you wanted to do fromf race twice. lady: i gave you tim to ask you didnt so i felt if i didnt state what i wanted to do id never do anything Greg: I Asked around Norway what we were out to do next... lady: but you didnt as me what i wanted lady: I as alxies not Alexis part of a we..is there anything you would like to do today lady: anything you would like to se lady: ....... Greg: I've gotten used to you stating it.. Like the dinner date. lady: which is a fear of mine i still want to m me..not alexis as a we and i told you that and you just confirmed it Greg: So when I asked what we were out to do, it was my offering of what was wanted.. whoever had an idea or a will was to interject there.. I didn't specifically ask you.. aand for that I am to be crucified.. got it. lady: forget it Greg: Nope. I got it. lady: i just didnt feel special and ho am i to give when i dont feel great Lady: yes greg you have it you always have an always will Greg: Not always. Greg: Most of the time.. I don't. lady: yeah and i dont too...night Greg: ::Sigh:: Night Alexis... Greg: ::Just shaking his head he slipped back and just waited there a moment looking back at the computers creent of inalize that live journal and let it all just go:: So It is dead in her eyes.. And htat scares me because it leaves her midn open teasily traverse elswhere and that above all thing shurts me like no other. I care. I can and most likely will be jealous... I will plant no seeds for Ideas here and jsut pray against my worst pains and fears. She has had more of my heart than she even has or will ever know and to feel that I've been a source of all this is like a compounded interes. Yeah.. I should go back.. back to beign an emotionless void of analitical thinking. at lesst for the moment that's the way it feels. She's declared ehr apathy to me.. She could care less about what I feel. Yet she said herself that she cares about teh man behind the glasses. and that man is now a five year old, someeone whom she looks at and has no feelings for and feels nothign for.. yet she cares. So I am confused. I don't want to be here and I'm tired of always being behind the eightball. I don't wknow what's up and what's down at the moment and all I know is that everytime I feel somewhat safe or straight I have a flaw that sends me back. Yeah, I've missed something and all I am meant to feel now is apathy or pain. I pray that I'm wrong I prayt aht I deserve better i've worked for it. Though what hurts the most is that I have had a bundle of pink roses set at the chiant store waiting for her in my name... to revill her vase to commemorate our four month anniversary. I wanted to give them to her when we went out.. but she's cancelled that on friday going out to the cast party with frenchie and doign ehr performance on friday.. basically a good "Fuck you" In my mind.. part of me feels it's necessity but I can blame myself for not tellign ehr earlier. Yet now I'm jsut sick to my stomach and I can't even keep on. I'm sick.. freaking physically ill from this... Thank you. I don't know how much more my heart will be able to take. It feels like I'm the bad guy.. or always end up that way now.. have since that whole understanding of going out with friends...Am I even desired? Have I been told this? I guess it's time to look back and find out. Pray for me. G (Comment on this)
Monday, November 25th, 2002
5:56 am	Pissed Well I' am pisssed because a deep heartfelt entry whcih I had made since yesterday is now gone thanks to a stupid computer crash. Nonethelss simply put.. I was hurt and cried for the first time in a long time yesterday just at the thought of alexis suddenly retractign her statemtns of care devotion will and love. She had jumped back in a fear of hurting me in being her normal self though I believe that in our conversation after she knows that I dont' believe that to be beast and desire her to be here with me. Friends.. had issues yesterday.. thing shappened and were revealed that I couldnt' comprehend.. to be able to die when giving rith to a child as a clear possiblity.. a likelyhood and find yourself pregnant.. to nearly lose a mate that you have been with for two years... each devistatign things that I had worked through yesterday and had much more to say in depth in my last post.. but thank me for not just posting and adding as another parafraph came, or for just playign with Kazaa and AOl at the same time.. i'm stupid.. for that at least. night. G (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 23rd, 2002
9:32 am	Comforting spirit, incubal spirit, sweetened uprising, bonding and tying.. Today was another of those interesting days. the beginning, I woke up so refreshed and happy thougha s I worked my way through I found my friend Val completely, stressed. I couldnt' tell what was up with her at first, I just noticed that she didn't do any hugs, no "hey babe".. hardly a hi.. Just.. "hello". so I wasn't sure whether it was just morning grogginess or whether there was more to it. As time tolled on it was intresting to find out that there were a few things that were on her mind. Most of the day she had felt that there was a wish to be able to go back and change one decision in life. he rmidn was focused on it. Though later int he evening, she had felt sick.. i crashed in the afternoon... hard. Though when I came back too, I felt.. horrible. i felt so caught up and dark, consumed and sealed locked and bound. Like my soul had become black hole of emotion leaving me dark. I felt it was probably cabin fever, so I made my way back into the night, going to dinner, even there i didn't feel any better, I was downtrodden for some reason.. maybe it was that Val was feeling bad and I could do nothing. Nonetheless, I made my way towards the Caf again and felt that bottomeless pit only grow deeper into a more...tense expanse, before I looked over the crowd and realized I felt alone in the crowdd... just separated, alone, lonely... Noentheles, i made my way back to my room and simply sat there for a moment keeping my mind focused.. jsut find somethign that would bring me joy. I worked on a few web pages and slowly began to feel a bit more proud of my work. Though when I heard Outkast's "The Whole World" It turly lifted my soul tot hink of my pain in that way.. it filled me it eased me and by the time i was talkign with Alexis, I felt better, good enough to accompany her to dinner. Though when I went to pick her up.. I found she was back in her room again. nonethless I went to her room and there we just eased into her bed because she had stated she'd been tired. I wanted to cuddle, just hold her in my arms and be encased with her embrace and to encase her... It was good to drink in the tasteof her love, the sweet sensation of being cradled... Though she spoke, it was her eyes her gestures, just her expression that let me feel more comfortable. Who can really define how you know what it is you feel or see in someone who truly cares for you? For the moment I lost myself into the mixture of peace, though, as we grew into slumber, we rested.. for a while... In the end I ended up easing her away with a few kisses, hugs and embraces, to nip at her ear and bring her back around... It was good to watch her awaken, breakign open like a dark skinned angel. Though soon after the first twist of interaction... we reached a point where she jsut broke from me... Just as if I had sparked somethign and done something wrong... hse jsut pulled over to a conere as if I had done something to stab her. That worried me.. she wouldn't even talk to me... I still have no clue what created it... i jsut backed off and gave her time alone to jsut rest... though I looked over everything I could think of that would create it.. I had no clue.. but i just let go.. She seemed pained and that was enough for me to know. I don't knwo what sparked it even now. Soon after... she teared and that almost hurt me... but, I just came up to try and comfort her a bit, though she shyed away from that touch so I drew back until she came to me. It was only when she put that hand upon my back that I was able to feel somewhat comfortable again. Though, as she came back around, I slid my arms around her and jsut hugged her. She sobbed against me... It felt like she was crying but no tears came... she just sobbed. Thorughout all this I didn't really knw what to do.. I didn't know if I should hold her tight, and grip her throughotu the pain letting her know I was there to comfort and support or grasp for reality to break away from a painful memory that had snapped up in her mind, or whether to give her a gentle touch to caresse and soothe rand let ehr know that the present wasn't going to have it repeat. Though, from my own history.. I had found confining to end up negative... so I caressed. Slowly, that began to have it's own positive effect, she took hold of me and held me close, grasped me tight and just clasped me within her arms. That lasted for a few minutes quelling the storm of emotions that may have been raging in side of her... i was just resolute, feeling confused and lost... but all I knew was to either be angry and slip back or support her at that point.. those, in my mind, were my only choices. It was only after that burnt of completion that she came to embrace me... she wrapped herself around me, even kissed me and took me in in full, she caressed me and shrouded me, held me and met me. Each kiss grew each moment relaxed and she opened to me again. I still don't understand and probably won't. I hesitated, and tried to get her assistance and learn but, that only got me shunned for a bit because she had welcomed me, come to me, but I was still retreating...Nonetheless, I drew her in and continued just as our wills matched. It was simple and clean... innocent and pure.. though..powerful and tenacious as a storm...Strange thing was...I felt stronger after each break of her breath after each whisper and hug, each embrace made me feel better. I was stronger, mor erelaxed, mro eacute. I just, acted on my instincts as they drove me. Thought ehre were points where she looked at me and wondered why I looked at her the way I did... It as only because I was happy and my blood and body felt so... alive.. envigorated, something...I am at a loss for the proper word but it fits for now.There was somethign unmistakable about it. I felt closer to her, with each passign kiss and each embrace taht we drew. I just pray that the bond builds onward upward and outward to spread and remain just as strong day in and day out as time passes on. Have a good morning, G (Comment on this)